Arkansas

So Ashlie, Evie and I went to Eureka Springs and Kings River over Memorial Day weekend.

We went up to the top of a lookout. The view was great-

But the stairs were a little steep.

Unfortunately, all the canoeing and kakying pictures were on the waterproof, non-digital camera. To be posted once scanned.

Reunions

I have been meaning to put pictures up forever and am just now getting around to it!! Here are the Johnson's with their adorable crew, Elly and Soren.

The big Q came to visit the same week. Boo to Memphis!

Edmond Christian Church Old Skool Reunion 2007, baby.
Rebecca, Holly, Chris, Casey, me, Tara and Summer.

Mina!! I went to visit my Afghan language helper from Fort Worth.

Divorce Settled

Just so everyone knows, my parents divorce was settled last week and they should be signing the papers and whatnot sometime this week. This is going to amazingly lower the amount of stress in our fam. Thanks to everyone who has been so supportive. Please continue your prayers as my mom moves into a new house sometime this summer.

Intertwining Threads...

So I really have been surprised to find that in the last few months, my political apathy has all but disappeared. Maybe part of it is having hours and hours of free time at work every day to research '08 presidential hopefuls, along with all the issues and their views... maybe part of it has been realizing that our current president is perhaps a great fellow but a really, REALLY horrible president. I find that the more things I know about his administration the more scared I am that he still has a year and a half to lead America.... yikes! I have also found that many of the issues that bothered me on so many levels are also important to many Americans, and that if we could just elect a leader who believed in them, too, then we could maybe fix this giant mess.

And I think that perhaps, just PERHAPS, there is someone. There may be an answer for America, instead of military tribunals and illegal extraditions, instead of torture and wiretapping and tax cuts for the wealthy- instead of going to war with the entire Middle East- maybe there is a candidate who has a real relationship with Jesus, who cares for the poor, who cares about immigrants, who cares about the environment, who will evacuate Iraq, who is rational and fairminded and has a knack for bipartianship... perhaps Barack Obama is the answer.

Spanx

While discussing something totally unrelated at work, I found out about spanx. These new hot undergarments are set to silence anxious party-goers minds about unwanted lines and cellulite. Check it out!

Being Settled

I moved the first of six times last July 17th. It was moving all my stuff back to Oklahoma from Texas. I had only been there two weeks when when I moved to Holly’s house in another country for two weeks. Then I moved to my team leader’s house in Afghanistan for two weeks, then I moved to Dr. H’s house for three months. Then I went to Dubai for a week, and moved back to my mom’s in Oklahoma for four months, then finally moved into my apartment 2 months ago.

Part of all this moving was, in the last eleven months, having fourteen different roommates. This was an amazing glimpse into human nature that taught me a considerable amount about flexibility. I think I have become one of the most adaptable persons in the whole world.

No matter how little you bring with you, living in someone else’s house brings with it all kinds of crazy things. There are the wonderful things- like learning how to cook delicious foods from your roommates or getting to live in a house with a fishpond and a swimming pool for free. And then there are the really hard things, like waking up to find out that breakfast is served- and its rice and sardines. Or the strain between being a single person and having a separate life while you are living with a family.

I think the main thing I am thankful for now, is that I don’t believe the Lord will ever give me the *opportunity* to experience all that ever again. As thankful as I am for the insight and maturity it brought, it feels so good to be settled! So good.

Today is June 1st, 2007. And it is six months to day that I left Afghanistan.

Blood Diamond and Hotel Rwanda

Don't read this post if you haven't seen the movies and want to.

Blood Diamond was an amazing movie. More than anything I've seen before, this movie reminded me of what it is like to live in a place where, instead of bling-bling, its "bling-bang," as Leonardo DiCaprio put it so succinctly. Not that Kandahar was anything like Sierra Leone- it was nowhere near that scale of violence and bloodshed. But watching the movie transported me back to a place where human crises are happening on a totally different scale than America. There's a part in the movie where the rebels take over Freetown, shooting, looting, and burning everything. Forcing child soldiers to shoot up drugs after they kill women and other children. And then I remember my day today.

Strangely enough, there was some twisted comfort for me in realizing that Afghanistan is not the worst place on earth to be. There are still places in Africa that are much worse, where things a thousand times more horrible are happening.

And a week after watching Blood Diamond, I watched Hotel Rwanda. Now, if you have avoided Hotel Rwanda thinking it might be a little too intense for you, just watch Blood Diamond first. It will sort of numb you to the atrocity.

And isn't that what many of us are searching for? We don't want to feel guilty after seeing a movie like that, so many of us aren't watching those movies and documentaries. Like me, who refuses to watch Invisible Children and then go buy a twenty dollar pair of shoes. There's just a level of horrific pain that is much easier to pretend does not exist and buy the shoes.

And this is my huge struggle in life right now. After seeing everything I saw last fall, and movies like Hotel Rwanda and Blood Diamond, how do I come back and live in a place like America without being guilty?

And I mean that, exactly. Not without feeling guilty: without being guilty.

That Old Itching Feeling...

Its coming back... that old itching feeling to get out of the United States.

I have been trying and trying to suppress it. But after eight years of leaving the country once a year or more, I am about to go crazy!! "Its May and so it is OBVIOUSLY time to plan a trip somewhere, right???!!?" My mind won't quit asking this question. I am trying to tell her no over and over again but this crazy lady keeps bringing me back to websites like cheapoair.com and lonely planet.

Don't even mention to her that she probably won't be leaving for FOUR years. That would make her really mad.

A Little Wedding Music

I have decided to start a business. After being self-employed for a year and a half (in the eyes of the government, anyway) I realized recently that it would be really easy for me to go back to being self-employed again and start a business on the side as a wedding violinist.

After all, 14 years of private classical instruction shouldn't go to waste and I have played hundreds of concerts and events, including professional violin playing for weddings and funerals.

I will still be a receptionist, though. Receptionist by day, violinist by night. Well, hopefully. Who knows what kind of market there is in the OKC area for wedding musicians? I wonder if there is anyone else on the planet who makes ten dollars an hour at one job and a hundred dollars an hour at their other job?

Snippets on Iran (According to the BBC)

On Anti-Semitism

Although Iran and Israel are bitter enemies, few know that Iran is home to the largest number of Jews anywhere in the Middle East outside Israel. There are approximately 25,000 Iranian Jews whose cultural roots in Iran go back 3,000 years.

On US-Iran Relations

“In Russia, they eat ice cream in the winter because its warmer than the air.” (Iranian Foreign Minister, responding to Condolezza Rice’s niceties in Egypt last week)

On the President

“They held portraits of Mr Ahmadinejad upside down to mock him and then set them on fire.” (BBC reporting on a recent student protest against Iran’s president at Tehran’s largest university)

On Women

“[The moral police] are stopping pedestrians and even cars - warning female drivers not to show any hair - and impounding the vehicles and arresting the women if they argue back.” (BBC reporting on a recent Iranian crackdown on women’s dress)

On Cosmetic Surgery

Since the revolution in 1979, Iran has become one of the world's leading centres for cosmetic surgery with three thousand plastic surgeons operating in Tehran alone. Dr Navab explains that some of his patients are indeed congenitally ugly…

On Public Opinion

"I want the whole world to know that they oppress us and all we can do is put up with it." (15 year old Iranian citizen Tofiq)

*go to BBC Middle East for a more complete look at what’s going on in Iran, as this is skewed :)

Speaking My Mind

I rarely ever like a book enough to promote it on something like a blog. BUT, as Guitar Hero recently received a plug, it seemed like a good time to do the same for a great book. And so for all my friends who are evangelical Christians, check out Speaking My Mind by Tony Campolo. Here are some chapter titles to give you an idea of what the book is about:

-Are Evangelicals Sexist?
-Are Evangelicals Addressing the Gay Issue All Wrong?
-Are Evangelicals Afraid of Science?
-Are Evangelicals Too Militaristic?

Of course, if you aren't an evangelical, you have probably already said yes four times and don't need to read it. This is more of a book for those of us who would like such a thing as an evangelical left to exist in America but have had the microphone hogged by the religious right. We're not all like the televangelists.

Shout out to Maziel for recommending it.

How I Recently Became Addicted To a Video Game and Became a Hero at the Same Time

All of us would like to be heroes. Not all of us would like to be addicted to video games. But regardless of which goal you'd rather achieve, here is a quick 3 step program for GUARANTEED SUCCESS:

1) Go to local electronics store.
2) Purchase Guitar Hero.
3) Play.

If you haven't played it, go find somewhere to do so. This game WILL make you feel like a guitar hero! Everyone I know who has played it is almost instantly addicted. I have never really been into video games. (Other than Sonic the Hedgehodge when I got a Sega in middle school. But that game was not really worth all the time I spent playing it.) Besides the outrageous fun Guitar Hero provides, I also think it actually could help improve people's ability to play regular instruments by using the part of the brain I know I use to play violin. Maybe its a love for music that has turned a video game into my most recent hobby/obbsession. Or maybe there's just something about being a hero.

A New Address

I also moved last week and have a new address. It is:

157 Stonebridge Blvd.
Apt #421
Edmond, OK 73013

A New Job

I got a new job! Its as a receptionist with a health supplement company. This should be much more manageable, time-wise. And I might get more free pomegranite antioxident juice out of the deal. Its forty hours a week, Monday through Friday, 9am-5pm. And all I do is answer telephones! Yay!

I am thinking about looking into getting certified to teach biology for the state. More info on that to come.

I'm a Quitter!

I quit my job. I felt horrible, really. But it wasn't worth it. No amount of money is worth working ten to fourteen hours, three days in a row, even if you have two days off after that, and the management won't change your schedule. Not worth it.

I am thinking about becoming a marine biologist and looking for rare starfish in Africa. (What a stable life I lead...)

How Not to Spend a Monday

Yesterday I was waiting tables during lunch, out on our open air deck. Its gorgeous, especially at sunset, as it has a great view of lake. However, during the middle of the day, its also nice if its not too hot. Yesterday was perfect. A good looking couple around thirty years old sat down with no idea of the awful thing that was about to happen.

I took their order, got them drinks, et cetera et cetera; and then... a man who had been sitting inside the restaurant saw the couple out on the deck. He strided quite purposefully up to their table and started freaking out. He was angry and pointing... and at first managing to keep his comments at a low volume so no one else could hear.

I walked back out to give another table something and by this time, the man was red-faced, and getting louder and louder with his accusations. The woman was now standing up, trying to lower his hands and calm him down. "We're just having lunch! We're just having lunch!" She kept saying. I walked back out to avoid making things more uncomfortable and felt bad for everyone. The other man remained silent and didn't say a single word the whole time. The husband eventually left.

I, unfortunately, couldn't leave, and had to keep waiting on this couple. They stared down and hardly spoke a word to each other after that. It was extremely embarassing for everyone.

I felt like I was watching a weird, real-life version of Cheaters. The entirety of the waitstaff had a lively conversation following this incident regarding what they would do if their spouse cheated on them. I, for one, felt sick to my stomach. What a horrible situation for everyone involved! So messy, so painful, and no way to really even try to fix it. Unless they are lucky.

Then, without knowing what it was about, I happened to watch Lost in Translation last night. Well, its about two married people who meet in Tokyo, and take a bunch of small steps until they end up falling in love and cheating on their spouses. Wow. What a reminder that few people in our society value monogamy anymore.

Its time to watch The Notebook or go to an old folk's bingo night.

Spring Camping

The job has been going well and I've been getting lots of stuff for the apartment. Its kind of fun buying things but its really weird to go from owning practically nothing to owning lots of things. Since I am going to wait and reapply to school, and hopefully get in next year, I'll be in the States for probably five years and it makes sense to get these things now.

But without a roommate who owns things, you have to actually buy them. They seem really unimportant but... well, without an iron, all your clothes are wrinkled. Without towels, you have to air dry. Without glasses, you have to drink from the faucet. The list goes on and on of why all these 'things' really save time and hassle, and we do actually own them for reasons. (Just kidding about the faucet.)

I'm going camping today. The leaves are only tiny once a year and I'm off to enjoy them... enjoy your spring too. From a friend's letter-

"A good year is determined by its spring."

Bahama Breeze

Well, I bypassed all those other professions and decided to work somewhere a degree will not come in handy. Sorry that your votes are obsolete. This time its Caribbean food and drink... I got a job at Bahama Breeze. This week has been crazy busy with orientation. I am not super excited at the prospect of going to bed at 2am four nights a week, but its a profitable job and hopefully I won't be there a long time. As soon as someone else calls and wants to pay me more to do something less physically draining, I'm out. This is NOT normally the way I roll but at the time I applied for this job, I realized it might be awhile before the more serious jobs called and I was bored after not working for three months.

Plus, there are a ton of young, crazy people there. That's fun compared to working in a lab... at least hopefully it will be for awhile.

On a different note, I also got a car and have been buying furniture. I'll have a party after moving in... evites to come.

When having a degree in biology comes in handy...

Now that the time has also come to get a real job, its funny to sit down, look at the options, and decide what I want to do. I have been looking, and here are my choices:

-Laboratory Clinician
-Agriculturist
-Park Ranger
-Zookeeper
-Environmental Advisor
-Criminalist (like in CSI)

Please, if you have a vote, let it be known in the comment box. All comments will be put into consideration.

Moving Out

Today, the apartments called to let me know... they have an opening for me! Yay!!

I thought I would be on the waiting list when I applied to get an apartment since nothing was open, and I had no idea how long it would be. Somehow, a one bedroom opened up and I can move in anytime after March 27th.

*angels sing*

Its not that living at home is bad. Its that I haven't been settled in my own place for the last two years. So its a very settling feeling to have your own space and I'm excited about that.

Nicaragua

The view from Mumbacho Volcano

Another of Nicaragua's many volcanoes

Me & our great translators, Angel & Oscar

Nadiya, Jasmina, Mike, & Dr. Katherine from Colombia at the clinic at Las Pilas

No, Mr. Immigration officer. We were not on a goat farm.

Two sweet girls from Las Pilas

Rafa & I- reunited in a foreign country after more than 2 years!!

Mercedes: the little girl I fell in love with.

Into Each Life, a Little Rain Must Fall.

And a little wait must come. I found out that I didn't get into PA school this summer. So, I am going to reapply in October. For now I'm going to really enjoy Nicaragua and think about what to do when I get back.

A friend of mine from college, upon finding out he hadn't been accepted for medical school, once told me, "I'm not going to let 365 days keep me from being a doctor." And I have much the same intention about being a PA. I am a very patient person.

News Flash: For anyone located in the town of Edmond, Oklahoma, Steve Logan is going to host a time for me to talk about Afghanistan at 7:00pm on Saturday, February 17th at his house. If you are interested please come. If you need directions, call or email me.

I'll be back from Nicaragua on February 11th. See you soon..

US Military: Afghan Leaders Steal Half of All Aid

Sunday Telegraph (UK)January 28, 2007

Corrupt police and tribal leaders are stealing vast quantities of reconstruction aid that is intended to improve the lives of ordinary Afghans and turn them away from the Taliban, The Sunday Telegraph has learnt.

In some cases, all the aid earmarked for an area has ended up in the wrong hands. Defence officials in the United States and Britain estimate that up to half of all aid in Afghanistan is failing to reach the right people.

Nato forces in the south of the country say some Afghan police are guilty of corruption and will steal aid if it is handed out. Tribal and mosque elders have also been accused of seizing goods, including building materials and fuel, and selling them in markets. A Pentagon official said thousands of cars and trucks intended for use by the Afghan police had been sold instead.

Nato commanders in southern Afghanistan are deeply concerned at the level of corruption but have resolved to press ahead with reconstruction projects in the hope of winning over the local population and improving security.

In one recent example in Kandahar province, aid distribution went ahead despite fears that it would be stolen. Sergeant Major Denis Tondreau, in charge of delivering Canadian army aid to the Pashmul area, said the Afghan police unit in one village was known for corruption and extortion. "I have been told that if I bring aid to Pasab the police will steal it," he said. "They are just a bad, bad unit… extortion, corruption and use of drugs."

But people in the area said tribal and mosque elders were also guilty of stealing aid. In the nearby town of Panjwaii, workers said aid distributed by Nato's provincial reconstruction teams had not reached the ordinary people.

Abdul Ghany, 20, said: "When the soldiers came here they gave things to the rich people. The elders took things for themselves and we received nothing."

Noor Ullah, a police intelligence officer in the neighbouring Zharey district, said tribal leaders had to be persuaded that the aid was not intended for them alone. At a heated meeting he warned them: "The equipment is not to rebuild your own homes, it is for the mosques and the whole village. It is not for individuals, it is for the community. It is not for you to take and sell it."

A joint report by the Pentagon and the US state department, circulated to congressional committees last month, concluded that the Afghan police force was corrupt to the point of ineffectiveness. One Pentagon official told The Sunday Telegraph that police officers had stolen and sold at least half of the equipment supplied by the US, including thousands of cars and trucks.

Surprise! You are leaving the country again.

-God

Umm... I'm going to Nicaragua next week. Like Mama always said, "Life is like a..." (you know the rest). As I can now testify, you never know when you're gonna get more plane rides, cute children, and chances to love people who speak a language that you don't understand.

War and the Soul

I am reading a really interesting book called War and the Soul. It is about how war affects people and what happens to soldiers and civilians after living through traumatic experiences associated with war. The author has counseled and heard stories from vets and survivors from most of the 55 civil wars that have taken place since 1990 and all other major wars all the way back to World War I.

Stress, in war time situations, is actually just fear or terror. When a person experiences a continual state of fear or terror, eventually something inside that person shuts down to keep from being overwhelmed and to continue being able to function. You can call it a soul that flees, or whatever, but it will probably result in that person not feeling or turning that part of themselves on again for awhile. It may also seem that the person is extremely courageous or fearless. Actually it is that the person has been so scared they no longer allow themselves to feel fear.

I thought for a long time I was just stressed out in Afghanistan- now I realize that I was terrified. Its good to call it like it is.

I read while I was there that "fear is excitement without breath." People with an addiction to excitement are usually drawn to dangerous situations, which is maybe why I went in the first place. The downside is that now, I've been so scared, so surprised, so angry, so sad, I've turned that ability to feel off. I know this because I go through every day completely fine- until I have to meet with a good friend for pastoral counseling. And then it is like a pent-up flood of emotions let loose. But I'm not pretending all day. I just don't choose to feel it until I walk into his office.

And I've realized that this happens to lots, and lots, and lots of people. They are so hurt, so disappointed, saddened, or angered by life that they choose to stop feeling and become a shadow of who they were. They are in denial. They laugh about nothing, and are also truly happy about nothing. They are always "fine." Nothing now can move them deeply, either beauty or sorrow. The on/off switch is permanently off.

This is what I wish to avoid. I'm trying to turn it back on.

Lovely Oklahoma

The Great Sledding Adventure of 2007

Since Ice Storm 2007 is nearly over, I'd better get this in before it is 70 degrees again outside.

After three days of stir-craziness inside the walls of my house, on Sunday afternoon Summer and I went sledding. There's a lake in her addition with very small hills on two sides. We walked out there and all we had (even after a search at Wal-mart for a sled) was a laundry basket.

Although the hill was small, you got going pretty fast and by the bottom, Summer first made the mistake of leaning forward in the laundry basket to stabilize herself. Unfortunately this led to her, face-down in the snow at the bottom of the hill, silent and not moving. Which led to me running down the hill yelling, "Suuuuuuuuu--mmmmmmm---eeeeerrrrrrr!!!". Although, actually I was trying to be funny because I thought she was faking. But by the time I got to the bottom and rolled her over, she wasn't breathing and so, quite freaked out, I started to do CPR.

At this point I was really scared. I hadn't even had a CPR class since girl scouts in the 90's and couldn't really remember if I was doing it right. I stopped for a second to reach into my coat and call 911 when she took a breath and suddenly sat up. Oh my goodness... I have never been more relieved in my life. I was crying and she said, "That really knocked the wind out of me! I can't believe you just saved my life."

I can't believe I saved someone's life either.

And actually, you shouldn't either, because this is not a true story. Here's what really happened: (ha ha ha... will you ever believe a story I write again?)

Although the hill was small, you got going pretty fast and by the bottom, Summer first made the mistake of leaning forward in the laundry basket to stabilize herself. Unfortunately, this led to her, face-down in the snow at the bottom of the hill, silent and not moving. Which led to me running down the hill yelling, "Suuuuuuuu-mmmmmmm-eeeeerrrrrr!!!". Although, actually I was trying to be funny because I thought she was faking. But by the time I got to the bottom and rolled her over, she sort of laughed but said that it really hurt and knocked the wind out of her. Then we kept sledding.

But later three boys came out and were playing on the ice of the lake which was not very thick. Summer and I were discussing how crappy it would be if one of them fell in, because we were the only ones around and we would have to jump in and save them. So Summer yelled out, "Hey, if you fall in, we're not gonna save you! We're just going to tell your parents!" We turned around and were talking again and when we turned back around, one of them had really fallen in. Now we were so surprised we didn't know what to do. Summer was hesitating, so I ran over to the edge, carefully laid down, and scooted over to the ice hole where he was splashing around. I grabbed his jacket and pulled him out of the freezing water. Luckily, Summer and I had brought some extra clothes in case we got cold, which we wrapped him in, and then we took turns carrying him home on our backs.

What? Don't you believe me?

Ok, maybe this is really what happened...

Summer and I were discussing how crappy it would be if one of them fell in, because we were the only ones around and we would have to jump in and save them. So Summer yelled out, "Hey, if you fall in, we're not gonna save you! We're just going to tell your parents!" We turned around and were talking again, and when we turned back around, one of them had really fallen in. Luckily for him, that part of the lake was about a foot deep and he just soaked his foot in extremely cold water and then they all ran home.

So fortunately, no one had to save anyone else's life that day. It was just another ordinary day of sledding. But in case you don't believe the story about the boy who fell in...

A Tribute

I absolutely love surprises. Only someone like my mom, Summer, or Tara knows this.

When I was traveling back from overseas, a lot was going on and after months of being cooped up, caged up, restricted, kept in, etc… one of the things I was really looking forwarrd to was to go have some fun on my birthday, which was eight days after my arrival back in Oklahoma. And since Summer and Tara *know* that I love surprises, they planned a whole weekend of 24th birthday fun for me.

Which included (but was not limited to) sleepovers, dinner, ice-skating, brownies with candles, a hotel, games, a birthday song (not the happy birthday song, either), even a gingerbread house craft… and they wrote and illustrated a BOOK for me! I have to hand it to them for being the best friends ever.

Thanks a lot girls… you remind me how much I have to be thankful for.

A Totally Normal and Nondescript Life

Nondescript (adj.): unremarkable, ordinary, unexceptional, dull, uninteresting, commonplace, plain


That is exactly where I am at right now. I spend all day reading books, and being with my family, and sometimes friends. Yesterday I left the house and ran errands and it was an exciting day. So that's why updates on my blog haven't been frequent- 1) I am still sorting through stories and pictures from last fall to post 2) You probably aren't that interested in yesterday's last minute run to the post office or its exciting climax when I got there before the mail was picked up.

Success

The interview is over!

I did my best yesterday. And that's all a girl can do. I felt really good about it and wasn't nervous because my interviewers were really nice and made me feel very comfortable. Ashlie and I practiced all my answers about a thousand times and then they didn't ask those questions.

The girl sitting next to me, waiting to be interviewed, is a professional sprinter, holds the 5th place world record for the 200 meter dash and competed in the Olympic trials. It made me think about two things. 1) There is some tough competition. 2) If I do end up getting into PA school, I'm going to make lifelong friends with some really determined and amazing people and that makes me excited.

Now onto last few months of waiting.

NATO Laments Afghan Civilian Dead

BBC News / Wednesday, 3 January 2007

Nato has said its biggest mistake in Afghanistan in 2006 was killing innocent civilians.

A spokesman for the Nato-led force, said efforts were under way to reduce civilian deaths in military operations.

But he said Nato had killed far fewer people last year than the Taleban, who launched more than 100 suicide attacks.

President Hamid Karzai cried last month as he spoke of his inability to stop militant attacks and coalition forces "killing our children".

He has come under growing pressure over civilian deaths as violence has raged across the south and east. Bloodshed in Afghanistan last year returned to levels not seen since the fall of the Taleban in 2001.

Silence

I close my eyes tonight and its silent. No bombs go off and none are going to. I probably won't hear any choppers flying low overhead, either. I think of my friends who are back there and wonder what they will hear when nightfall comes for them.

Something I found really strange, after arriving in Afghanistan, was that the news media- concerned mostly with Iraq- had not really been reporting exactly what was going on in southern Afghanistan. And I read it daily. They did report that Operation Mountain Thrust had begun, but few details were given. Perhaps because not many reporters were there. But anyone living in southern Afgh at that time realized that the major military operation meant nightly battles and bombing just outside the city in a district called Panjaway, that were killing "insurgents." Or civilians.

A few days ago I read an account on http://www.aopnews.com (in my opinion, the best site for almost current, daily news on Afgh). It was written by a Canadian soldier and was about a battle he took part in on the Afghan Independence day last August 19th. We heard the gunfire that night but had no idea about what was really happening. It saddened me to hear him write that 120-130 Afghans had been killed by the ISAF troops that night... just after I went to Sehar's birthday party and we walked back to watch the fireworks.

What bothered me the most, and still does, is that our military has not really accounted for proving that who they kill in southern Afghanistan are really insurgents or not. If they don't know, they just put "suspected insurgents" in the report and get on with it. In this way it seems they can get away with civilian deaths much easier. But in a country where poverty and warlords are forcing villagers to choose sides, sometimes saying you choose the Taliban means life or food, whether you care whose 'side' you are on or not. It saddens me to realize that maybe in the midst of all the chaos we are just killing Afghan people.

It really confuses me why we don't redirect the billions of dollars that are being wasted by shamefully corrupt officials or spent on reconstruction (when the schools in the south are being burned back down or closed again) just toward trying to pay the Afghan National Army more than the Taliban pay fighters to join them. Because the Afghans who are trying to support the legitimate government and do actually join the Afghan military make a shamefully small salary. Rumor is, after all, the main reason villagers join the Taliban is the pay. But I'm not a military expert so I hope that the UN or USAID has some great answer for that I haven't thought of yet.

I think that's it for tonight.

Hark! Is that the phone ringing?

The PA school called me this morning!

And set up an interview for January 8th, 2007, at 1:00pm.

So, if you wanted to hang out the afternoon of January 8th, 2007, I'm really sorry I have other plans that afternoon. But they happen to be the only plans I have for the next seven months. So that should make finding another time to hang out fairly easy.

Home

Hey! I am back in Oklahoma, yea! All was safe. Feel free to call me, my number is still the same Texas one for awhile. But maybe wait a couple days, I got a nasty cold and sore throat on the way home and its a little painful to talk. Can't wait to see you!!

Something Beautiful

There's something very different about my last place of residence and the UAE. And it is called money.

It is so weird that a bunch of slimy black gunk, made from the remains of dead things, is the difference between absolute poverty and sickening opulence in the world.

I have been in Dubai for four days now and everywhere I look, there is something beautiful. A beautiful shopping mall. A beautiful fountain. A street lined with green grass. A cityscaped row of skyscrapers. A palm tree. The Persian Gulf. The Arabian night. A Baskin Robbins.

Invariably, no matter to what you lift your eyes here, you will see something beautiful. You have to search for the ugly. In this respect I am grateful for the change from Afghanistan.

But the most beautiful thing I have seen here was something I couldn't touch. It was the huge expanse of ocean, with the sun setting over it. Something I will never take for granted to see again.

Something funny- 70% of the taxi drivers in Dubai are from Afghanistan or Pakistan. And almost all of these speak Pashto. So I have had the utter delight of getting to talk to all but one of my drivers in Pashto. And I thought my chances to practice were over. But the number of languages you hear here is insane. At the mall yesterday, I heard English, Chinese, Farsi, Japanese, Russian, Arabic, Spanish, French, Swedish, and all within five minutes of each other, just sitting there listening as people walked by. Crazy malls.

One thing I have realized: if you are going to go to Dubai for a whole week, by the fourth day it will be much more fun with a friend or family. Although it is REALLY fun to stay at a guest house where you meet people from all over the world, going all over the world. I met a family from New Zealand, headed to Uganda. A couple from Djibouti, headed to Texas. Sisters from London, headed to Afghanistan. People from Afghanistan, headed all over the world.

I have really enjoyed getting some alone time, but now I am definitely ready to see all of you. My plane leaves tomorrow... hee hee!

Until Next Time, Afghanistan

My days here are numbered. Its time to say... until next time. I will be leaving southern Afghanistan in three days, and will spend a little over a week traveling to Dubai and Oman, before I arrive back in the States on December 7th. I will post from the beautiful Arabian penninsula if I have a chance. But I may be too busy enjoying the unobstructed view.

Afghanistan I have loved, Afghanistan I have hated. There have been many hard things about living here and so many beautiful things. I have to say that I'm excited to go back to a country that is at peace. At least on their side of the ocean. And I am so excited to see all of you! But its hard to leave when there's so much left to do. Some of the friends I have here I don't feel ready to leave. I am comforting myself with the thought of coming back some day. (And the inexpressible joy that bubbles up at the thought of returning to modern life is a little hard to suppress, too.)

I think this is the definition of mixed feelings. So much to look forward to and so much to miss. Until next time...

A Holiday to Remember

So we had an awesome Thanksgiving. It was so wonderful to eat authentic American food! And a lot of it! I'm so sad that the picture function isn't working and you can't see how awesome our turkey was. Due to two hard-working American women and some imported goods from Dubai, we had a true Thanksgiving meal with no substitutes or changes. We had green bean casserole, mashed potatoes, gravy, sweet potato casserole, stuffing, homemade rolls, deviled eggs, pumpkin pie, and chocolate pumpkin cake to compliment our freshly-killed turkey.

I ended up with the leg, which was the same size as those giant turkey legs you see people gnawing on as they walk around the fair. I was just starting to miss funnel cakes and cotton candy when the fun with Balderdash and Spoons began, and we ended the holiday in silly fun. Now the Christmas season has begun...

Easy to Find

Where do you live? Its a pretty simple question you can ask any three year old and get a pretty specific answer. In most places. But here in a city of 600,000 people and about four street names, its a little difficult to explain to anyone how to find your house.

Until recently, that is, for us. After the foundation was laid and the Hole was filled, the ensuing construction on top conveniently solved this problem for us. Now we just tell you the general area, and you look up.


We live underneath the Tower. Once my brother told me a story where the main object was called the Tower of Power. It stuck, I guess, because that is now what we call ours. Turn left at the Tower of Power and knock on the little red gate underneath. Be sure to wear some headgear though so you don't inadvertently get a brain tumor while chit-chatting over tea and cookies.

Trade Off

Yesterday, some of us were sitting around talking about the projects and things that are going on here. One group of our friends has a hospital they run just a few minutes from where we are opening up the women's center. I have always had a great respect for this organization and the people who work there. They traded their normal lives and came here to live and give healthcare to Afghans. And they told us this story as we were all sitting there.

Most of them are doctors, and as they leave the hospital every day, they see a huge pile of trash, in which children are usually rummaging about in for whatever treasure they can find. When the children see them leaving, they run up to them and start to beg. This really bothered our friends and they didn't know what to do about it. It happened every day. So they got together to try and decide what they should do.

Then last Thursday, the first of hopefully many times, they made tons of chicken soup and bought dodey (bread). When they came out of the hospital and the dirty children ran up, they fed all of them. Then they got out soap and water and washed the lice out of their hair. Then one who cuts hair gave them all haircuts. Then they gave them tickets to come and be seen at the hospital.

God bless the humble of the world... the humble doctors and the humble children.

Email

Well, it appears that it is time to Forget About Rememberus. If you have sent anything to my old email in the last three weeks, please just resend it to erintill@gmail.com. I for sure did not receive your email because that server crashed and deleted everything. Thanks!

Great Days

The last two weeks of my stay here have begun. These are great days. It is now in the 60's and 70's here, so with our attire the weather feels perfect. There's just something about knowing you are going home soon that makes everything beautiful. And to be going home for Christmas, my birthday, and New Year's... that is joy unspeakable.

So far, there is no update on PA school. I think the latest I would find out about an interview is around my birthday.

There are not really many interesting pictures from this last week. We have not had too much excitement. I have been observing at different hospitals and clinics but those stories I will save for later because mostly they are tragedies. The healthcare system just needs so much help. Sometimes I wonder if hospitals here are meant to save people's lives or to take them. Particularly the mothers and children. More on that later.

And Happy Thankgiving. I'd never thought about it before coming here, but you know, we are the only country that celebrates Thanksgiving. Duh, right? Except it is sad to be in a foreign country on one of your homeland's major holidays. They don't even have the day off from work, much less half the week. But the great thing about expat communities is their determination to keep their own traditions alive, despite being surrounded by a sea of other people who don't care. This is why there are still Amish people in Ohio and why Thanksgiving exists in any country where Americans live. So if you emailed me and asked what we are doing for Thanksgiving... the same thing as you. (Only our bird might have bird flu whereas yours probably will not.)

Cloak Mosque

This is the Cloak Mosque. Its said that the (a) cloak of the prophet Mohammad is inside. Its a very holy site here. We went on Thursday morning, which is the only time women are allowed. Hundreds of women come to buy verses from the Quran which they consider special blessings, to kiss the place the cloak is entombed, or to buy a lock to curse the womb of another woman. Many women here practice a more animistic form of Islam than what their religion really teaches. 

Training

A few days ago, as we were doing some community development training with the female staff for the healthcare center, we asked the girls to do an exercise where they made two drawings. First, they were to draw a picture of the current situation of women in this city; then afterwards, a picture of their dream for this city.

Here is what they first drew.







When we asked the women to explain their drawings, the first thing the office manager said was, pointing to the binding around the enchained woman, “Do you know what this is called? Its very sharp, they often have it around the airports here.” I hadn’t looked closely and thought it was just a rope. But looking again, I realized, with an emotion I can’t describe, that she had drawn razor wire.

Her description of the woman with all the children provoked a similar emotion when she described how this woman lost her husband in a rocket attack (disturbing picture not included) and was left with no home and six children, in absolute destitution, and then stated simply, “Do you know, I know this woman.”

Here is the story she told to go along with the picture of the four people.

‘Do you know, [everything begins with that] I also know this girl. Her mother and father, they sold her. To an ooold, ooold man. But he was very rich! And they were so poor. They have other children. But he paid them so much money!! He gave them 20 lak afghani (approx. $4,000 USD). And so they sold her. She was very young, maybe thirteen, fourteen years old. And you know, he has already three wives. She is his fourth wife. Her mother allowed her to go. And with the money, they bought a house. Before that, they were too poor.’

Sometimes, a picture by itself says a thousand words. But sometimes when you know the story behind it, there are no words.

Unfortunately I don't have pictures of the drawings they did of their dreams for the future. But we cannot possibly stop there, NO! Because that is NOT the ending for Afghanistan.

Roads, trees, clinics, schools, food, orphanages. These were the things they drew. A woman doctor, crossing the street, with the freedom to leave her house and go to work. A clean water supply. All things that are so normal in our world. Things that are possible here, that we are working to implement. There is only a finite amount of effort required to progress from the first set of pictures to the second. That’s why if any of us contribute in even the slightest way to this effort, we will have been a part of something big, and beautiful, and important. We have the ability to improve life on this earth.

As I am getting ready to go home, and have just four weeks left here, there is one thing I look forward to more than any other. I don’t suppose it would be hard for any of you to guess: I cannot wait to be free again.

But the women here will still be waiting. They are just one slice of all the humanity across the world, waiting for someone to remember.

Content

I am content here. I have learned here how to be content no matter what the situation is around me. This is not something I could possibly do on my own. No, there are many people praying and in truth, Jesus is really the one giving me contentment. But here are a few things he has showed me about how to do it.

*Enjoy life. There are way too many horribly sad things to dwell on. War, oppression, poverty. But there is also always something good to enjoy while you are working to improve the bad things. Like dancing and flowers and sweet pomegranites.

*Things change. I am working with Philippinos and Koreans here. And both cultures have told me that the situations in the Philippines and Korea were very similar to Afghanistan 50 years ago. Things will change if we continue working for change.

*Always be thankful. If you can't find anything good to be thankful for, be thankful for the bad things. I once read about two sisters who were imprisoned in a concentration camp during WWII. They had just about the worst lives imaginable. But one of the sisters decided to be thankful for the fleas that were in her bed. So she just spent some time focusing on those fleas and how thankful she was for them. The sisters had some very precious, illegal things hidden in their bunks that were never discovered. Later, they found out that the reason the Nazi's didn't discover their parephenalia was because the bunks were infested with fleas and the Nazis didn't want to touch them.

So sometimes even the things that you wish didn't exist turn out for your benefit.

Holiday

Last week was the "kochiney axter"- The Little Eid- the three days of feasting after a month of fasting. The first three days, men will visit relatives and other men friends. But for the whole month after that, it is the women's Eid. I have been to lots of new houses during this time. The picture isn't great but it is an example of what they lay out whenever you come to a house. Would you believe, all this was for just three people, me and two friends.

Everyone also has to wear new clothes and the sound of gunfire is heard for the whole Eid. This time its not the war- that's also how they like to party here. (Party, fight... any reason to fire a gun will do.) I have thought about going to the neighbor's house to ask if I can shoot their kashalnikov... but then, the shots often kill or injure people when the bullets come back down so I'm holding off for now. 

Brrr

The water (and the weather) is cooling down! 

Landscape

A friend asked for some pictures of the landscape and I have just now had the chance to take a few. We don't travel outside of our part of the city very much. But the other day I went to the American base again and here is a picture I would have shown you about the way this country seems.



Barren, dry, dusty, brown. Unforgiving. Those are the main adjectives that would stick in your mind if you visited here. And it doesn't even include the filth you usually see all over the regular streets. This is what I thought all the pictures of the landscape were going to look like.

But then, as we were driving home, we took a back road, and I saw a completely different southern Afghanistan. Before that day, I had never seen a field here, or anything that in the slightest way looked fresh and green. But then we saw this...




There were all these green fields. And clouds! There are rarely clouds here. And it was the biggest holiday of the year, so everyone was wearing brand new, fresh-looking clothes. And instead of everything being dirty and brown and depressing... for the first time, it seemed like the city had hope. It was just so beautiful. And I had to remind myself that it wasn't something we want for the future of Afghanistan... this was something we really saw! And so it was an encouraging day.



Here are the camels! Also, forgive me, all the pictures were taken while driving about forty mph. 

Henna

They do the most beautiful henna here. This is my friend who had hers done just before returning to the States. Right now I also have henna on my hands. It takes about two or three weeks to wash off. When I come home I'm bringing a lot back, so if you want yours done just let me know! 

The Hole

A few days ago, there was this giant hole in my front yard. This is the Hole.



Now the Hole is gone. After being partially filled with cement and gravel, along with four cement pillars, the hole is now well on its way to becoming the foundation for a 90 foot cellphone tower.

And why is a gigantic cellphone tower being built in our extremely tiny front yard? I'm still working on that one. But mostly because our landlord is being paid $500 USD per month to have it there, and just because this is Afghanistan. Why not? 

The Test

I want to photograph the faces of my two English students so badly and put them on here. I love these girls so much. They are the daughter and daughter-in-law of my landlord, and I spend most nights of the week with them. But they won't let me take pictures of their faces. Here is one they did let me take...



This is a picture during their big exam. After a few weeks of classes, they practically begged me to give them an exam. The funny thing is, neither of them did very well, and I have no idea why they wanted one so badly. Except that after the test, their first question was, "Who was victorious?" They really wanted to know who won. Another insight into this culture and how important honor is to them. But then I tried to talk to them about how it doesn't matter who did better, what matters is that they both learn to speak English. They ended up shaking their heads; hopefully they agreed inside, too. 

Stress

So many things are stressful here. This is just a stressful place to live. Not only the war, but also working with another culture, having many technical problems communicating with home, not to mention all the differences in the way this country operates as opposed to the way we're used to our country operating. Please be praying for me. I am not invincible and this place is just plain hard sometimes.

What to Wear...

When one of my married friends moved here, she decided that she would forsake her life as a housewife and become a ninja. It seemed better than wearing a polyester tent with eyeholes. So she started wearing this. And when she began learning the language, she found other women asking her with shock, "Your husband lets you show your eyes??"

Sorry guys, there's may be little too much EYE showing in this picture. 

My House

This is where we live. We share a house with an Afghan family. They live in most of it and we rent two rooms and a huge basement from them. Dr. H, her husband, and the J-man live downstairs, and I live in one of the side rooms upstairs. The window on the right is my room.

Many of the little streets and alleys here are really narrow, as you can see from our house. 

The Center

So what have Dr. H and I been doing? We have been seeing patients in their homes and our home while the business we are working with finishes the process of starting a center SOLELY for Afghan women. Here in this city, there is no foreign organization that offers this type of care solely for women. However, that is a huge need here. Many women in this city are not allowed to see male doctors and so sometimes no care, or only very poor care, is available to them.

Above is a picture of the building rented for the center. We are in the process of getting the center ready for business and hiring and training the Afghan women who will staff the center, while continuing to see Dr. H's regular patients. The center should open for business before I return to the States and I am very excited to see it up and running. I will post more pictures when that happens. 

For Mom

I love you Mom. 

Abuse

A few weeks ago, Dr. H was examining our landlady for disurea and she found bruises all over her legs. The night before, we heard lots of shouting through the wall and come to find out, our landlord- who I thought was a great guy- beats her. Not only this, last night I'd just finished giving her daughter-in-law an English lesson and the girl (who is about twenty) told me, "Every man beats his wife, Nazanine. Every man." I explained to her that in America, if a man beats his wife and she goes to the police, they can take him to jail. My dear friend was shocked.

The strange thing is seeing how accepting they have become of the abuse. They still laugh with their husbands, joke around with them, and by all appearances, it seems like they love them. I guess they are not that different from many battered wives in the US. Except that in Afghanistan, there is nowhere for them to go.

What's In a Name?

Here in Afghanistan I have six names. Erin is hard for them to pronounce, and everyone I've met has just given me a different Afghan name. I haven't found one that I like enough to introduce myself by it to other people, and so I am known as Nooria, Nazaka, Ghotul, Nazanine, Hamdiya, and sometimes Erin.

So, if I come home and you feel like making up a name and calling me me it, that's fine. I will just be happy if it is prettier than Ghotul.

Afghan Star

Have you ever considered auditioning for American Idol? If you have, but have been too shy, I would like to suggest an alternative that might guarantee success. Just come to Afghanistan and try the Afghan version- you could be the next AFGHAN IDOL! First of all, there are no women, (not in this city's show) so ladies, you are probably sure to win... secondly, you will be the only one singing instead of chanting about Allah... and thirdly, doesn't being judged by men in turbans sound like an interesting experience regardless? I mean, what will their comments about your singing really be?

How I wish you could have seen it. It was priceless. The funny thing when I saw this show was when a man came up to chant that they thought was really bad. And just like the real American Idol, the turbaned judges were laughing and making fun of him the whole time he was chanting, and cut him off early with, "That's enough.... that's enough!" I have since been told by Afghans that there is a version of American Idol in many nearby countries. Who knew!