I am reading a really interesting book called War and the Soul. It is about how war affects people and what happens to soldiers and civilians after living through traumatic experiences associated with war. The author has counseled and heard stories from vets and survivors from most of the 55 civil wars that have taken place since 1990 and all other major wars all the way back to World War I.
Stress, in war time situations, is actually just fear or terror. When a person experiences a continual state of fear or terror, eventually something inside that person shuts down to keep from being overwhelmed and to continue being able to function. You can call it a soul that flees, or whatever, but it will probably result in that person not feeling or turning that part of themselves on again for awhile. It may also seem that the person is extremely courageous or fearless. Actually it is that the person has been so scared they no longer allow themselves to feel fear.
I thought for a long time I was just stressed out in Afghanistan- now I realize that I was terrified. Its good to call it like it is.
I read while I was there that "fear is excitement without breath." People with an addiction to excitement are usually drawn to dangerous situations, which is maybe why I went in the first place. The downside is that now, I've been so scared, so surprised, so angry, so sad, I've turned that ability to feel off. I know this because I go through every day completely fine- until I have to meet with a good friend for pastoral counseling. And then it is like a pent-up flood of emotions let loose. But I'm not pretending all day. I just don't choose to feel it until I walk into his office.
And I've realized that this happens to lots, and lots, and lots of people. They are so hurt, so disappointed, saddened, or angered by life that they choose to stop feeling and become a shadow of who they were. They are in denial. They laugh about nothing, and are also truly happy about nothing. They are always "fine." Nothing now can move them deeply, either beauty or sorrow. The on/off switch is permanently off.
This is what I wish to avoid. I'm trying to turn it back on.
2 comments:
Three cheers for the soul! Hip, hip, Hooray! It's like the 80's saying about the mind, except about the soul . . . you know, "a soul is a terrible thing to waste."
souls not drugs.
the lizard
It sounds like a really good book. Congratulations on your determination to feel and continue to live your life. :)
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