Don't read this post if you haven't seen the movies and want to.
Blood Diamond was an amazing movie. More than anything I've seen before, this movie reminded me of what it is like to live in a place where, instead of bling-bling, its "bling-bang," as Leonardo DiCaprio put it so succinctly. Not that Kandahar was anything like Sierra Leone- it was nowhere near that scale of violence and bloodshed. But watching the movie transported me back to a place where human crises are happening on a totally different scale than America. There's a part in the movie where the rebels take over Freetown, shooting, looting, and burning everything. Forcing child soldiers to shoot up drugs after they kill women and other children. And then I remember my day today.
Strangely enough, there was some twisted comfort for me in realizing that Afghanistan is not the worst place on earth to be. There are still places in Africa that are much worse, where things a thousand times more horrible are happening.
And a week after watching Blood Diamond, I watched Hotel Rwanda. Now, if you have avoided Hotel Rwanda thinking it might be a little too intense for you, just watch Blood Diamond first. It will sort of numb you to the atrocity.
And isn't that what many of us are searching for? We don't want to feel guilty after seeing a movie like that, so many of us aren't watching those movies and documentaries. Like me, who refuses to watch Invisible Children and then go buy a twenty dollar pair of shoes. There's just a level of horrific pain that is much easier to pretend does not exist and buy the shoes.
And this is my huge struggle in life right now. After seeing everything I saw last fall, and movies like Hotel Rwanda and Blood Diamond, how do I come back and live in a place like America without being guilty?
And I mean that, exactly. Not without feeling guilty: without being guilty.
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
That Old Itching Feeling...
Its coming back... that old itching feeling to get out of the United States.
I have been trying and trying to suppress it. But after eight years of leaving the country once a year or more, I am about to go crazy!! "Its May and so it is OBVIOUSLY time to plan a trip somewhere, right???!!?" My mind won't quit asking this question. I am trying to tell her no over and over again but this crazy lady keeps bringing me back to websites like cheapoair.com and lonely planet.
Don't even mention to her that she probably won't be leaving for FOUR years. That would make her really mad.
I have been trying and trying to suppress it. But after eight years of leaving the country once a year or more, I am about to go crazy!! "Its May and so it is OBVIOUSLY time to plan a trip somewhere, right???!!?" My mind won't quit asking this question. I am trying to tell her no over and over again but this crazy lady keeps bringing me back to websites like cheapoair.com and lonely planet.
Don't even mention to her that she probably won't be leaving for FOUR years. That would make her really mad.
A Little Wedding Music
I have decided to start a business. After being self-employed for a year and a half (in the eyes of the government, anyway) I realized recently that it would be really easy for me to go back to being self-employed again and start a business on the side as a wedding violinist.
After all, 14 years of private classical instruction shouldn't go to waste and I have played hundreds of concerts and events, including professional violin playing for weddings and funerals.
I will still be a receptionist, though. Receptionist by day, violinist by night. Well, hopefully. Who knows what kind of market there is in the OKC area for wedding musicians? I wonder if there is anyone else on the planet who makes ten dollars an hour at one job and a hundred dollars an hour at their other job?
After all, 14 years of private classical instruction shouldn't go to waste and I have played hundreds of concerts and events, including professional violin playing for weddings and funerals.
I will still be a receptionist, though. Receptionist by day, violinist by night. Well, hopefully. Who knows what kind of market there is in the OKC area for wedding musicians? I wonder if there is anyone else on the planet who makes ten dollars an hour at one job and a hundred dollars an hour at their other job?
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Snippets on Iran (According to the BBC)
On Anti-Semitism
Although Iran and Israel are bitter enemies, few know that Iran is home to the largest number of Jews anywhere in the Middle East outside Israel. There are approximately 25,000 Iranian Jews whose cultural roots in Iran go back 3,000 years.
On US-Iran Relations
“In Russia, they eat ice cream in the winter because its warmer than the air.” (Iranian Foreign Minister, responding to Condolezza Rice’s niceties in Egypt last week)
On the President
“They held portraits of Mr Ahmadinejad upside down to mock him and then set them on fire.” (BBC reporting on a recent student protest against Iran’s president at Tehran’s largest university)
On Women
“[The moral police] are stopping pedestrians and even cars - warning female drivers not to show any hair - and impounding the vehicles and arresting the women if they argue back.” (BBC reporting on a recent Iranian crackdown on women’s dress)
On Cosmetic Surgery
Since the revolution in 1979, Iran has become one of the world's leading centres for cosmetic surgery with three thousand plastic surgeons operating in Tehran alone. Dr Navab explains that some of his patients are indeed congenitally ugly…
On Public Opinion
"I want the whole world to know that they oppress us and all we can do is put up with it." (15 year old Iranian citizen Tofiq)
*go to BBC Middle East for a more complete look at what’s going on in Iran, as this is skewed :)
Although Iran and Israel are bitter enemies, few know that Iran is home to the largest number of Jews anywhere in the Middle East outside Israel. There are approximately 25,000 Iranian Jews whose cultural roots in Iran go back 3,000 years.
On US-Iran Relations
“In Russia, they eat ice cream in the winter because its warmer than the air.” (Iranian Foreign Minister, responding to Condolezza Rice’s niceties in Egypt last week)
On the President
“They held portraits of Mr Ahmadinejad upside down to mock him and then set them on fire.” (BBC reporting on a recent student protest against Iran’s president at Tehran’s largest university)
On Women
“[The moral police] are stopping pedestrians and even cars - warning female drivers not to show any hair - and impounding the vehicles and arresting the women if they argue back.” (BBC reporting on a recent Iranian crackdown on women’s dress)
On Cosmetic Surgery
Since the revolution in 1979, Iran has become one of the world's leading centres for cosmetic surgery with three thousand plastic surgeons operating in Tehran alone. Dr Navab explains that some of his patients are indeed congenitally ugly…
On Public Opinion
"I want the whole world to know that they oppress us and all we can do is put up with it." (15 year old Iranian citizen Tofiq)
*go to BBC Middle East for a more complete look at what’s going on in Iran, as this is skewed :)
Saturday, April 21, 2007
Speaking My Mind
I rarely ever like a book enough to promote it on something like a blog. BUT, as Guitar Hero recently received a plug, it seemed like a good time to do the same for a great book. And so for all my friends who are evangelical Christians, check out Speaking My Mind by Tony Campolo. Here are some chapter titles to give you an idea of what the book is about:
-Are Evangelicals Sexist?
-Are Evangelicals Addressing the Gay Issue All Wrong?
-Are Evangelicals Afraid of Science?
-Are Evangelicals Too Militaristic?
Of course, if you aren't an evangelical, you have probably already said yes four times and don't need to read it. This is more of a book for those of us who would like such a thing as an evangelical left to exist in America but have had the microphone hogged by the religious right. We're not all like the televangelists.
Shout out to Maziel for recommending it.
-Are Evangelicals Sexist?
-Are Evangelicals Addressing the Gay Issue All Wrong?
-Are Evangelicals Afraid of Science?
-Are Evangelicals Too Militaristic?
Of course, if you aren't an evangelical, you have probably already said yes four times and don't need to read it. This is more of a book for those of us who would like such a thing as an evangelical left to exist in America but have had the microphone hogged by the religious right. We're not all like the televangelists.
Shout out to Maziel for recommending it.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
How I Recently Became Addicted To a Video Game and Became a Hero at the Same Time
All of us would like to be heroes. Not all of us would like to be addicted to video games. But regardless of which goal you'd rather achieve, here is a quick 3 step program for GUARANTEED SUCCESS:
1) Go to local electronics store.
2) Purchase Guitar Hero.
3) Play.
If you haven't played it, go find somewhere to do so. This game WILL make you feel like a guitar hero! Everyone I know who has played it is almost instantly addicted. I have never really been into video games. (Other than Sonic the Hedgehodge when I got a Sega in middle school. But that game was not really worth all the time I spent playing it.) Besides the outrageous fun Guitar Hero provides, I also think it actually could help improve people's ability to play regular instruments by using the part of the brain I know I use to play violin. Maybe its a love for music that has turned a video game into my most recent hobby/obbsession. Or maybe there's just something about being a hero.
1) Go to local electronics store.
2) Purchase Guitar Hero.
3) Play.
If you haven't played it, go find somewhere to do so. This game WILL make you feel like a guitar hero! Everyone I know who has played it is almost instantly addicted. I have never really been into video games. (Other than Sonic the Hedgehodge when I got a Sega in middle school. But that game was not really worth all the time I spent playing it.) Besides the outrageous fun Guitar Hero provides, I also think it actually could help improve people's ability to play regular instruments by using the part of the brain I know I use to play violin. Maybe its a love for music that has turned a video game into my most recent hobby/obbsession. Or maybe there's just something about being a hero.
Sunday, April 15, 2007
A New Address
I also moved last week and have a new address. It is:
157 Stonebridge Blvd.
Apt #421
Edmond, OK 73013
157 Stonebridge Blvd.
Apt #421
Edmond, OK 73013
A New Job
I got a new job! Its as a receptionist with a health supplement company. This should be much more manageable, time-wise. And I might get more free pomegranite antioxident juice out of the deal. Its forty hours a week, Monday through Friday, 9am-5pm. And all I do is answer telephones! Yay!
I am thinking about looking into getting certified to teach biology for the state. More info on that to come.
I am thinking about looking into getting certified to teach biology for the state. More info on that to come.
Saturday, April 07, 2007
I'm a Quitter!
I quit my job. I felt horrible, really. But it wasn't worth it. No amount of money is worth working ten to fourteen hours, three days in a row, even if you have two days off after that, and the management won't change your schedule. Not worth it.
I am thinking about becoming a marine biologist and looking for rare starfish in Africa. (What a stable life I lead...)
I am thinking about becoming a marine biologist and looking for rare starfish in Africa. (What a stable life I lead...)
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
How Not to Spend a Monday
Yesterday I was waiting tables during lunch, out on our open air deck. Its gorgeous, especially at sunset, as it has a great view of lake. However, during the middle of the day, its also nice if its not too hot. Yesterday was perfect. A good looking couple around thirty years old sat down with no idea of the awful thing that was about to happen.
I took their order, got them drinks, et cetera et cetera; and then... a man who had been sitting inside the restaurant saw the couple out on the deck. He strided quite purposefully up to their table and started freaking out. He was angry and pointing... and at first managing to keep his comments at a low volume so no one else could hear.
I walked back out to give another table something and by this time, the man was red-faced, and getting louder and louder with his accusations. The woman was now standing up, trying to lower his hands and calm him down. "We're just having lunch! We're just having lunch!" She kept saying. I walked back out to avoid making things more uncomfortable and felt bad for everyone. The other man remained silent and didn't say a single word the whole time. The husband eventually left.
I, unfortunately, couldn't leave, and had to keep waiting on this couple. They stared down and hardly spoke a word to each other after that. It was extremely embarassing for everyone.
I felt like I was watching a weird, real-life version of Cheaters. The entirety of the waitstaff had a lively conversation following this incident regarding what they would do if their spouse cheated on them. I, for one, felt sick to my stomach. What a horrible situation for everyone involved! So messy, so painful, and no way to really even try to fix it. Unless they are lucky.
Then, without knowing what it was about, I happened to watch Lost in Translation last night. Well, its about two married people who meet in Tokyo, and take a bunch of small steps until they end up falling in love and cheating on their spouses. Wow. What a reminder that few people in our society value monogamy anymore.
Its time to watch The Notebook or go to an old folk's bingo night.
I took their order, got them drinks, et cetera et cetera; and then... a man who had been sitting inside the restaurant saw the couple out on the deck. He strided quite purposefully up to their table and started freaking out. He was angry and pointing... and at first managing to keep his comments at a low volume so no one else could hear.
I walked back out to give another table something and by this time, the man was red-faced, and getting louder and louder with his accusations. The woman was now standing up, trying to lower his hands and calm him down. "We're just having lunch! We're just having lunch!" She kept saying. I walked back out to avoid making things more uncomfortable and felt bad for everyone. The other man remained silent and didn't say a single word the whole time. The husband eventually left.
I, unfortunately, couldn't leave, and had to keep waiting on this couple. They stared down and hardly spoke a word to each other after that. It was extremely embarassing for everyone.
I felt like I was watching a weird, real-life version of Cheaters. The entirety of the waitstaff had a lively conversation following this incident regarding what they would do if their spouse cheated on them. I, for one, felt sick to my stomach. What a horrible situation for everyone involved! So messy, so painful, and no way to really even try to fix it. Unless they are lucky.
Then, without knowing what it was about, I happened to watch Lost in Translation last night. Well, its about two married people who meet in Tokyo, and take a bunch of small steps until they end up falling in love and cheating on their spouses. Wow. What a reminder that few people in our society value monogamy anymore.
Its time to watch The Notebook or go to an old folk's bingo night.
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Spring Camping
The job has been going well and I've been getting lots of stuff for the apartment. Its kind of fun buying things but its really weird to go from owning practically nothing to owning lots of things. Since I am going to wait and reapply to school, and hopefully get in next year, I'll be in the States for probably five years and it makes sense to get these things now.
But without a roommate who owns things, you have to actually buy them. They seem really unimportant but... well, without an iron, all your clothes are wrinkled. Without towels, you have to air dry. Without glasses, you have to drink from the faucet. The list goes on and on of why all these 'things' really save time and hassle, and we do actually own them for reasons. (Just kidding about the faucet.)
I'm going camping today. The leaves are only tiny once a year and I'm off to enjoy them... enjoy your spring too. From a friend's letter-
"A good year is determined by its spring."
But without a roommate who owns things, you have to actually buy them. They seem really unimportant but... well, without an iron, all your clothes are wrinkled. Without towels, you have to air dry. Without glasses, you have to drink from the faucet. The list goes on and on of why all these 'things' really save time and hassle, and we do actually own them for reasons. (Just kidding about the faucet.)
I'm going camping today. The leaves are only tiny once a year and I'm off to enjoy them... enjoy your spring too. From a friend's letter-
"A good year is determined by its spring."
Monday, March 12, 2007
Bahama Breeze
Well, I bypassed all those other professions and decided to work somewhere a degree will not come in handy. Sorry that your votes are obsolete. This time its Caribbean food and drink... I got a job at Bahama Breeze. This week has been crazy busy with orientation. I am not super excited at the prospect of going to bed at 2am four nights a week, but its a profitable job and hopefully I won't be there a long time. As soon as someone else calls and wants to pay me more to do something less physically draining, I'm out. This is NOT normally the way I roll but at the time I applied for this job, I realized it might be awhile before the more serious jobs called and I was bored after not working for three months.
Plus, there are a ton of young, crazy people there. That's fun compared to working in a lab... at least hopefully it will be for awhile.
On a different note, I also got a car and have been buying furniture. I'll have a party after moving in... evites to come.
Plus, there are a ton of young, crazy people there. That's fun compared to working in a lab... at least hopefully it will be for awhile.
On a different note, I also got a car and have been buying furniture. I'll have a party after moving in... evites to come.
Thursday, March 01, 2007
When having a degree in biology comes in handy...
Now that the time has also come to get a real job, its funny to sit down, look at the options, and decide what I want to do. I have been looking, and here are my choices:
-Laboratory Clinician
-Agriculturist
-Park Ranger
-Zookeeper
-Environmental Advisor
-Criminalist (like in CSI)
Please, if you have a vote, let it be known in the comment box. All comments will be put into consideration.
-Laboratory Clinician
-Agriculturist
-Park Ranger
-Zookeeper
-Environmental Advisor
-Criminalist (like in CSI)
Please, if you have a vote, let it be known in the comment box. All comments will be put into consideration.
Moving Out
Today, the apartments called to let me know... they have an opening for me! Yay!!
I thought I would be on the waiting list when I applied to get an apartment since nothing was open, and I had no idea how long it would be. Somehow, a one bedroom opened up and I can move in anytime after March 27th.
*angels sing*
Its not that living at home is bad. Its that I haven't been settled in my own place for the last two years. So its a very settling feeling to have your own space and I'm excited about that.
I thought I would be on the waiting list when I applied to get an apartment since nothing was open, and I had no idea how long it would be. Somehow, a one bedroom opened up and I can move in anytime after March 27th.
*angels sing*
Its not that living at home is bad. Its that I haven't been settled in my own place for the last two years. So its a very settling feeling to have your own space and I'm excited about that.
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Nicaragua
The view from Mumbacho Volcano
Another of Nicaragua's many volcanoes
Me & our great translators, Angel & Oscar
Nadiya, Jasmina, Mike, & Dr. Katherine from Colombia at the clinic at Las Pilas
No, Mr. Immigration officer. We were not on a goat farm.
Two sweet girls from Las Pilas
Mercedes: the little girl I fell in love with.
Two sweet girls from Las Pilas Rafa & I- reunited in a foreign country after more than 2 years!!
Mercedes: the little girl I fell in love with.Friday, February 02, 2007
Into Each Life, a Little Rain Must Fall.
And a little wait must come. I found out that I didn't get into PA school this summer. So, I am going to reapply in October. For now I'm going to really enjoy Nicaragua and think about what to do when I get back.
A friend of mine from college, upon finding out he hadn't been accepted for medical school, once told me, "I'm not going to let 365 days keep me from being a doctor." And I have much the same intention about being a PA. I am a very patient person.
News Flash: For anyone located in the town of Edmond, Oklahoma, Steve Logan is going to host a time for me to talk about Afghanistan at 7:00pm on Saturday, February 17th at his house. If you are interested please come. If you need directions, call or email me.
I'll be back from Nicaragua on February 11th. See you soon..
A friend of mine from college, upon finding out he hadn't been accepted for medical school, once told me, "I'm not going to let 365 days keep me from being a doctor." And I have much the same intention about being a PA. I am a very patient person.
News Flash: For anyone located in the town of Edmond, Oklahoma, Steve Logan is going to host a time for me to talk about Afghanistan at 7:00pm on Saturday, February 17th at his house. If you are interested please come. If you need directions, call or email me.
I'll be back from Nicaragua on February 11th. See you soon..
Sunday, January 28, 2007
US Military: Afghan Leaders Steal Half of All Aid
Sunday Telegraph (UK)January 28, 2007
Corrupt police and tribal leaders are stealing vast quantities of reconstruction aid that is intended to improve the lives of ordinary Afghans and turn them away from the Taliban, The Sunday Telegraph has learnt.
In some cases, all the aid earmarked for an area has ended up in the wrong hands. Defence officials in the United States and Britain estimate that up to half of all aid in Afghanistan is failing to reach the right people.
Nato forces in the south of the country say some Afghan police are guilty of corruption and will steal aid if it is handed out. Tribal and mosque elders have also been accused of seizing goods, including building materials and fuel, and selling them in markets. A Pentagon official said thousands of cars and trucks intended for use by the Afghan police had been sold instead.
Nato commanders in southern Afghanistan are deeply concerned at the level of corruption but have resolved to press ahead with reconstruction projects in the hope of winning over the local population and improving security.
In one recent example in Kandahar province, aid distribution went ahead despite fears that it would be stolen. Sergeant Major Denis Tondreau, in charge of delivering Canadian army aid to the Pashmul area, said the Afghan police unit in one village was known for corruption and extortion. "I have been told that if I bring aid to Pasab the police will steal it," he said. "They are just a bad, bad unit… extortion, corruption and use of drugs."
But people in the area said tribal and mosque elders were also guilty of stealing aid. In the nearby town of Panjwaii, workers said aid distributed by Nato's provincial reconstruction teams had not reached the ordinary people.
Abdul Ghany, 20, said: "When the soldiers came here they gave things to the rich people. The elders took things for themselves and we received nothing."
Noor Ullah, a police intelligence officer in the neighbouring Zharey district, said tribal leaders had to be persuaded that the aid was not intended for them alone. At a heated meeting he warned them: "The equipment is not to rebuild your own homes, it is for the mosques and the whole village. It is not for individuals, it is for the community. It is not for you to take and sell it."
A joint report by the Pentagon and the US state department, circulated to congressional committees last month, concluded that the Afghan police force was corrupt to the point of ineffectiveness. One Pentagon official told The Sunday Telegraph that police officers had stolen and sold at least half of the equipment supplied by the US, including thousands of cars and trucks.
Corrupt police and tribal leaders are stealing vast quantities of reconstruction aid that is intended to improve the lives of ordinary Afghans and turn them away from the Taliban, The Sunday Telegraph has learnt.
In some cases, all the aid earmarked for an area has ended up in the wrong hands. Defence officials in the United States and Britain estimate that up to half of all aid in Afghanistan is failing to reach the right people.
Nato forces in the south of the country say some Afghan police are guilty of corruption and will steal aid if it is handed out. Tribal and mosque elders have also been accused of seizing goods, including building materials and fuel, and selling them in markets. A Pentagon official said thousands of cars and trucks intended for use by the Afghan police had been sold instead.
Nato commanders in southern Afghanistan are deeply concerned at the level of corruption but have resolved to press ahead with reconstruction projects in the hope of winning over the local population and improving security.
In one recent example in Kandahar province, aid distribution went ahead despite fears that it would be stolen. Sergeant Major Denis Tondreau, in charge of delivering Canadian army aid to the Pashmul area, said the Afghan police unit in one village was known for corruption and extortion. "I have been told that if I bring aid to Pasab the police will steal it," he said. "They are just a bad, bad unit… extortion, corruption and use of drugs."
But people in the area said tribal and mosque elders were also guilty of stealing aid. In the nearby town of Panjwaii, workers said aid distributed by Nato's provincial reconstruction teams had not reached the ordinary people.
Abdul Ghany, 20, said: "When the soldiers came here they gave things to the rich people. The elders took things for themselves and we received nothing."
Noor Ullah, a police intelligence officer in the neighbouring Zharey district, said tribal leaders had to be persuaded that the aid was not intended for them alone. At a heated meeting he warned them: "The equipment is not to rebuild your own homes, it is for the mosques and the whole village. It is not for individuals, it is for the community. It is not for you to take and sell it."
A joint report by the Pentagon and the US state department, circulated to congressional committees last month, concluded that the Afghan police force was corrupt to the point of ineffectiveness. One Pentagon official told The Sunday Telegraph that police officers had stolen and sold at least half of the equipment supplied by the US, including thousands of cars and trucks.
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Surprise! You are leaving the country again.
-God
Umm... I'm going to Nicaragua next week. Like Mama always said, "Life is like a..." (you know the rest). As I can now testify, you never know when you're gonna get more plane rides, cute children, and chances to love people who speak a language that you don't understand.
Umm... I'm going to Nicaragua next week. Like Mama always said, "Life is like a..." (you know the rest). As I can now testify, you never know when you're gonna get more plane rides, cute children, and chances to love people who speak a language that you don't understand.
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
War and the Soul
I am reading a really interesting book called War and the Soul. It is about how war affects people and what happens to soldiers and civilians after living through traumatic experiences associated with war. The author has counseled and heard stories from vets and survivors from most of the 55 civil wars that have taken place since 1990 and all other major wars all the way back to World War I.
Stress, in war time situations, is actually just fear or terror. When a person experiences a continual state of fear or terror, eventually something inside that person shuts down to keep from being overwhelmed and to continue being able to function. You can call it a soul that flees, or whatever, but it will probably result in that person not feeling or turning that part of themselves on again for awhile. It may also seem that the person is extremely courageous or fearless. Actually it is that the person has been so scared they no longer allow themselves to feel fear.
I thought for a long time I was just stressed out in Afghanistan- now I realize that I was terrified. Its good to call it like it is.
I read while I was there that "fear is excitement without breath." People with an addiction to excitement are usually drawn to dangerous situations, which is maybe why I went in the first place. The downside is that now, I've been so scared, so surprised, so angry, so sad, I've turned that ability to feel off. I know this because I go through every day completely fine- until I have to meet with a good friend for pastoral counseling. And then it is like a pent-up flood of emotions let loose. But I'm not pretending all day. I just don't choose to feel it until I walk into his office.
And I've realized that this happens to lots, and lots, and lots of people. They are so hurt, so disappointed, saddened, or angered by life that they choose to stop feeling and become a shadow of who they were. They are in denial. They laugh about nothing, and are also truly happy about nothing. They are always "fine." Nothing now can move them deeply, either beauty or sorrow. The on/off switch is permanently off.
This is what I wish to avoid. I'm trying to turn it back on.
Stress, in war time situations, is actually just fear or terror. When a person experiences a continual state of fear or terror, eventually something inside that person shuts down to keep from being overwhelmed and to continue being able to function. You can call it a soul that flees, or whatever, but it will probably result in that person not feeling or turning that part of themselves on again for awhile. It may also seem that the person is extremely courageous or fearless. Actually it is that the person has been so scared they no longer allow themselves to feel fear.
I thought for a long time I was just stressed out in Afghanistan- now I realize that I was terrified. Its good to call it like it is.
I read while I was there that "fear is excitement without breath." People with an addiction to excitement are usually drawn to dangerous situations, which is maybe why I went in the first place. The downside is that now, I've been so scared, so surprised, so angry, so sad, I've turned that ability to feel off. I know this because I go through every day completely fine- until I have to meet with a good friend for pastoral counseling. And then it is like a pent-up flood of emotions let loose. But I'm not pretending all day. I just don't choose to feel it until I walk into his office.
And I've realized that this happens to lots, and lots, and lots of people. They are so hurt, so disappointed, saddened, or angered by life that they choose to stop feeling and become a shadow of who they were. They are in denial. They laugh about nothing, and are also truly happy about nothing. They are always "fine." Nothing now can move them deeply, either beauty or sorrow. The on/off switch is permanently off.
This is what I wish to avoid. I'm trying to turn it back on.
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